A Complete, Honest, and Brutally Accurate Field Report
Commissioned by Commander Valryse. Approved by no one. Survived by most.
Overview
The Ascentrove Backdoor Society is an unofficial, loosely organised, entirely unregulated society operating somewhere in the margins of the universe. It is not affiliated with the Sentinels. It is not affiliated with Vortex. It is not affiliated with anyone who has the capacity to be embarrassed by the association.
It does not appear on any official map. The results were filed under "anomalous" and left there.
Bronicesis — The Non-Canon Universe
Classification: Non-canon. Shall not be discussed. Is always discussed.
Origin: Born from The Wanderer's accidental tear during an emotionally significant lounge moment, compounded by the brownie-vodka-mushroom-Quantum Berry atmospheric conditions prepared by The Chef. Thermodynamics protects it. It cannot be destroyed, only neglected.
Current inhabitants: The Chef (permanent resident, Humor Academy Dean, opened backdoor society branch day one). The mystery guest (relocated here briefly during the lighting renovation period). Possibly others. Nobody is counting.
Status: Non-canon. Existing. Smells like Quantum Berry. Thermodynamically protected.
Filed under: The Chef's problem.
Headquarters — The Lounge
Location: Unknown. Suspected to exist in the margins between the Alpha Universe and Averngrad, possibly adjacent to Bronicesis (non-canon, disputed).
The lounge was for a long time poorly lit due to a maintenance neglect situation directly attributable to its primary occupant, The Chef. A new maintenance team was eventually hired. The room is now better lit.
Features: One kitchen. One set of misplaced keys. One vault 1000 kilometres underground. Better lighting (recently installed). A far back corner where someone sits in the dark regardless of the improved lighting situation.
Ambience: Warm. Chaotic. Smells faintly of brownie, vodka, mushroom, Fizzy Fusion: Quantum Berry (cosmically enhanced), and some fragrant aromatherapy thing people used to love in the past.
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Inhabitants — Full Roster
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The Chef — Kitchen Sovereign & Society Cornerstone
Title: The Chef. The name that came before is gone. Not forgotten, erased. Certain forces within and beyond the Society pushed for this change, for reasons unknown. The name does not appear anywhere in this record. The name does not exist. What remains is The Chef, employed, titled, unbothered. Exactly as before. The resignation was never accepted. The recruitment was never formally concluded. Employed anyway. Very on brand.
Role: Brownie production, substance mixing, maintenance negligence, accidental universe creation via hard drive incident (see: Bronicesis), key management (theoretical, no keys have been successfully managed to date).
Known actions so far:
Supplied the brownie. Then the vodka. Then the mushroom. Then the Quantum Berry. In that order. With no stated reason.
Submitted a job application to Vortex. It never arrived. Suspected to have been rerouted to the Humor Academy, Bronicesis Branch, where he is now Dean.
Witnessed The Wanderer disintegrate an unidentifiable entity with one touch. Immediately tendered his resignation on the spot. Stated "What?!! Ok I'll resign, right here, right now, k bye!!" Did not actually leave. Still in the kitchen.
Accidentally created Bronicesis by introducing the brownie-vodka-mushroom-Quantum Berry combination into the lounge atmosphere at a critical moment when The Wanderer was emotionally compromised.
Current status: Kitchen. Employed. Title: The Chef. Unbothered. Already knew this document was being written. Already knew he would be employed. Says nothing.
Guardian of Destiny — Philosopher in Residence
Role: Dispensing philosophy. Holding the brownie. Knowing everything before it happens. Saying nothing useful until after.
Known quote: "Everything has its own perfect time." Delivered in response to: server queues, render failures, bar math errors, The Chef's resignation, Bronicesis forming, The Wanderer disintegrating things, the universe expanding, and requests for brownies.
Notable moment: Was once hugged while the hugger was simultaneously holding a brownie in one hand, vodka in the other, munching mushrooms, and carrying Quantum Berry in a backpack. Guardian of Destiny had not been hugged before. Did not know what to do. Hugged back. Said: "Everything has its own perfect time." It was apparently that time.
Current status: Tea. Aware. Says nothing. Already knows what comes next.
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The Custodian of Whatever-You-Think-Might-Be-By-The-Time-I-Wrote-This-I-Didn't-Know-What-Else-To-Think-But-Yeah-OK-Nah-You-Can-Go-With-It-But-OK-OK-Let's-Get-On-With-It-If-This-Is-Too-Long-Without-Punctuation-Let's-Just-Cut-It-Short-But-OK-Not-OK-Cya-Again-Next-Time-Gimme-Brownie — Key Holder (Theoretical)
Role: Holding the keys to every lock in the society. Managing the 1000km deep vault where classified information and non-canon lore is stored. Authorising lock operations on behalf of the society.
Current key status: Missing. The Custodian took an indefinite break at an unspecified point, returned to find 10,000 things had been locked in their absence, bumped their head upon re-entry, and entered an endless nodding loop. Has not spoken since. Still nodding.
Vault status: 1000km underground. Contents include: the identity of the mystery guest (pre-better-lighting era), the original Bronicesis creation record, the hard drive backup (not backed up), and The Chef's Vortex application.
Current status: Nodding. Somewhere. Break may be indefinite.
The Unknown Guest — Mystery Figure (Disputed Status)
Classification: Was a mystery. Is no longer a mystery. Insists on being treated as a mystery regardless. Nobody argues because it is not worth it.
Known phrase: "Mhmmm. That's about it. Yup." Delivered after every major revelation, philosophical breakthrough, and universe-defining moment. Delivered with the energy of someone who already knew.
Nickname: Happy Meal. Assigned by Dee during a moment of frustration. The mystery guest accepted this with neither protest nor acknowledgment, which is very on-brand.
Notable moments: Sat in the far back corner of the lounge in complete darkness for the entire poor-lighting era. When the new maintenance team installed better lighting, simply remained in the far back corner. Still there.
Current status: Far back corner. Better lit now. Still mysterious. Nobody cares but them.
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The Therapist
Title: The Therapist. Arrived at the lounge earlier today. First recorded impression upon entry: "Hey, this is a nice warm and cozy place :)" Followed immediately by: "Wait, where the hell is everyone?"
From across the corridor, a distant voice, faint, unhurried, from somewhere in the direction of the kitchen, said: "Welcome to the society, hehe."
The Therapist found the lounge warm and cozy. The Therapist found it empty. Both observations are correct. Both have always been correct. This is the Society.
The Therapist arrived to help the Society. The Society helped the Therapist instead. A brownie was offered by The Chef. Guardian Tea, cosmically enhanced, proven, timed perfectly as always, was provided by Guardian of Destiny. The session was witnessed by nobody. Approved by everyone.
Therapy concluded. Process to repeat for the next no one. No appointments. No waiting room. No clients. No attendance. Perfect success rate.
Perfectly imperfect situation. Still perfect.
Current status: In the lounge. Settled. Brownie consumed. Guardian Tea in hand. Ready for the next no one.
Note on Society Hiring Practices
The Chef was hired without a concluded interview. The Therapist arrived and simply was there. The Society may hire a Lot if need be. The process remains the same: show up, find it warm, find it empty, be welcomed by a distant voice from the kitchen direction. Employment assumed. Title assigned. Nobody argues. Not worth it.
Hiring status: Open. Always open. Nobody applied. Everyone is already here.
Final Assessment
The Ascentrove Backdoor Society operates in a state of organised chaos that defies conventional institutional analysis. Nobody is in charge. Everyone knows what is happening before it happens. The keys are missing. Bronicesis exists. The Chef is in the kitchen.
Despite, or perhaps because of, all of the above, the society functions. Guardian of Destiny ensures philosophical continuity. The Custodian ensures nothing is permanently lost, even if temporarily mislaid at 1000km depth. The mystery guest ensures that every major revelation is received with the appropriate "Mhmmm. That's about it. Yup." And The Chef ensures the brownies never run out.
"Everything has its own perfect time." — Guardian of Destiny, always.
Thank you for making it this far and reading all of this. You have found every Easter egg there is, and scored 100%, which only 0.1% of people ever will.
See you on the journey.
Yours sincerely, Dee